He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
