The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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