hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
