dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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