Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
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I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
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I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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