Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
