If i come over, it means nothing
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
