stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
