just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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