Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
