It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Randomize
