Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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