I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
