Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
