I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
