I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
