You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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