I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Please don't give away my fajitas
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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