She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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