Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
