Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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