I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
