She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
