OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
