That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
