If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
