3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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