my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
