Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My pussy is not your playground.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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