Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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