Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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