Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
