I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
