Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
