at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
