It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
