So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
