I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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