You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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