We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
