I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
