I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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