o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
