cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize