My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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