I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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