No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
