you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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