Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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