every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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