She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
