Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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