wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
