Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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