Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
