Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
