Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
